Whatever

IVf cycle was canceled, IUI probably sometime around Saturday, give or take a day. At this point, kid, you're on your own. If you're going to come this month, great. But I've got too much to worry about what with starting a new job and D maybe getting a promotion and both of us maybe moving to worry about whether or not you're going to deign to show up this time. That's really all I have to say to or about you right now. We still want you, and want you ASAP, but at this point - whatever. I have other things to worry about besides when you're going to decide to join us.

Love you anyway,
Mom

Big guns

I am so excited, Baby.

We've gotten the go-ahead to start an IVF cycle. The timing is really good, since the major events will all be over by the time school starts again, so I won't miss any/ much work. The idea of having you with me at school this year makes me really happy. I've been dreaming about telling our family that I'm pregnant and all of them being just as excited to meet you as I am (well, almost as excited!) Every time I start a new cycle I figure out when I would know by and what family gathering is after that. This time it might be Labor Day, when my parents (your grandparents, but I don't know what they'll want you to call them yet) have a cookout. That may be too early, so I'm working on an alternate plan.

If this cycle doesn't work I won't be able to try to get you going again until around Christmas-time. Please come this cycle. Everyone really wants to meet you.

I love you,
~Mommy

Why?

Dear Baby,

I'm very sad that you're not here this month. I feel like I've been waiting for you forever and will never get to meet you. Is there anything else you need me to be doing? Am I not doing something you need to become you? Or is there something that I *am* doing that I should stop? Is the donor we have picked out not the one you want to be your donor?

Your mommy is not a patient person, especially when it comes to meeting you. Please let me know what you need so you can join our family.

Next chance is in about a month - you've got approximately 6 weeks to get ready for our last IUI.

I love you and want to meet you asap!!
Lots of love,
Mommy

Are you in there??

If so, please give me some sort of a sign, as I am not feeling that you're there at all right now. And these negative home pregnancy tests I keep getting aren't helping. So, I sort of doubt that you've started to form yet, but if you have, it would be nice to know. Today is day 12 past the IUI, so if you're there, you will definitely have implanted by tomorrow at the latest. I really wish I could get a blood test on a Saturday at the doctor's, but most likely they will make me wait. Your mommy does not like to wait longer than necessary. And we're skipping trying next month because Mommy does not want to do another (painful) IUI without Daddy there.

You get one more chance, in August, before we bring out the big guns. And those won't be coming in till December or so, as Mommy needs to go back to work.

This would have been a good cycle to come, Baby. We miss you.

Lots of love,
Mom

A day trip without you

Your daddy and I went on a day trip yesterday. I missed having you there. Getting out there was uneventful, and kinda of boring. If you'd been there we would have talked to you about what we saw - the trees, the signs, the towns we passed. We'd have sung songs and looked for out of state license plates.

We probably would have had a clearer destination in mind so we wouldn't spend an hour driving around looking for the best place to park to get to the beach - or maybe that part would have been the same. We drove aimlessly, in a really good way, exploring a wildlife refuge on an island between the marsh and the ocean. We walked down natural paths and on boardwalk paths through the marsh and woods. We sat on a bench in a "bird blind" (bird viewing area) and watched storks and seagulls glide over the grasses and water. We raced back to the car and your dad let me win. We both would have let you win if you'd been with us, and read the signs in the bird blind to you.

We climbed an observation tower and had lunch. Daddy would have shown you the beaver dam we saw and how to tell if the water was at high, half, or low tide. Our walk on the marsh boardwalk would have been slower, and we would probably have read through the trail guide and talked to you about what plants and animals we saw. And I would have had to wash both you and Daddy down for having been touched by poison ivy back at the car!

We would have parked in the park ranger's parking space to go to the beach earlier than we did, and I might have gone into the water with you, or watched while you and Daddy played in the ocean and made sand castles. I would have held your hand as we walked over the rocks and helped you try to make a cairn or a shelter from driftwood. There wouldn't have been time for me to do logic puzzles or knit, but I would have had so much more fun playing with you than doing any of those things.

You may have gotten tired and fallen apart in the car as we drove around the shore area and looked at houses. We may have stopped and eaten earlier if you'd wanted to. We may have gotten out and looked at the carnival we came across if you'd wanted to. As it was, we ended up strolling through a picturesque seaside area as shops were closing up and having really great, cheap food and watching a baseball game on a huge TV. You would have loved it, if you'd still been awake.

And even during our moon viewing, which was very peaceful and romantic with just the two of us, I couldn't help wondering how the scene would look if you were there. Would you be asleep in one of our arms, or in a stroller? Sitting between us and helping us come up with ideas of what the moon looked like as the clouds slid past it? Hopping around and having us chase you away from the dangerous rock slope?

You and I would both have fallen asleep on the way home - or maybe not. Daddy usually needs the windows open so the cool air keeps him alert. Maybe I would have driven (with the windows closed) so you two could sleep. When we got home, we would have carried you in and tucked you in to bed before we unpacked the bag and cooler and gotten ready for bed ourselves. And this morning, you and I might have made breakfast for Daddy, or started our house cleaning chores, or watched cartoons until Daddy got up.

I miss you and really want to take day trips with you when you get here. The sooner the better. :)
Love you,
Mommy

Another try

Today was the IUI, so hopefully you are getting your cells together right now and making the trip to go implant in a few days. I really hope you decide to show up this time because we miss having you here already. Your dad is going away for most of next month, so wouldn't it be nice for him to know about you before he goes? All the cramping and other physically painful stuff I'm going through is going to be worth it when I can finally meet you. I know you're going to make this family feel complete.
Please come soon.
Love,
Mom

You get one, *maybe* two more tries before they're bringing out the big guns

Okay, baby. They're talking about going to IVF in August, so if you're up for doing this without starting your life in a petri dish, I strongly suggest you get ready for fertilization in the next week or so. Thursday at the earliest, through the weekend or next next week. There may be one more chance after that before things get serious. Please consider the benefits of a) having this current donor be your biological father and b) not putting your mommy through surgery and daily injections. Because we'll have to find another donor and I'll have to take time off of a new job if we do IVF. It's not a pretty picture, so here's my written request to please show up before that happens. I know your job isn't to be convenient, but just think about it this one time.
Thanks sweetie.
Love,
Mom