Gummi Bear

Dear Flash,

I got to see you today - you look funny. Like a gummy bear with a really creepy, skeletal-looking face. You have a head that's just as big as the rest of your body, tiny little flippers for arms and legs, and a heart that's taking up a bunch of room. You're kinda cute, in a gruesome sort of way. I'm positive you'll get cuter as you grow. (When you see the pictures, you'll know what I'm talking about.)

I'm getting nauseous less often, but other symptoms are kicking in, although I'm still really tired. I love you so much and can't wait to have you out here (fully formed and at maximum cuteness) instead of making me have to pee every half hour.

I love you,
~Mommy

Updates: All grandparents & aunts/uncles know, and the scare you gave us

Dear Flash,

Everyone in the close family knows about you now, and everyone's excited. The day after we told Daddy's parents we all took a trip to the Museum of Science in Boston and saw a planetarium show, and out to dinner at a sushi restaurant to celebrate Daddy's birthday. We told Aunt K about you in the car between the two places, and Uncle A with a text message of your first ultrasound picture. I've been very tired, and nauseous here and there, but I'm relieved that I'm finally having symptoms. They mean that you're doing okay and less likely to miscarry (especially the nausea).

Seeing you on the ultrasound a couple of days before these last few announcements was amazing. Daddy took video, and we got to take home a couple of pictures from the ultrasound machine. I texted the photo to all your relatives who already knew. :)

Last night, though, you gave us a HUGE scare. I started bleeding and passed a clot that I thought was you. (There was a lot of blood, and the clot was shaped and sized about the shape and size that you should be at this point). Daddy drove me down to the hospital, and they did another ultrasound to show us that you were still in there and your heart was still beating. We thought you'd miscarried. I was crying a lot, thinking that we'd lost you before we even got to meet you. Once I saw your heart beating again, I was more relieved.

I'm still feeling cramps, but I'm hoping they're nothing serious. It's hard to deal with since I can't take any painkillers that actually help, like ibuprofen, but I'd rather have them and you than be pain free without you.

Please don't scare us again. I mean, at least not until you're older and making your own choices about whether to scare Mommy and Daddy half to death.

I love you and can't wait to meet you,
~Mommy

Welcome to the family

Half of your family knows about you - Daddy and I told your grandparents, aunt, great-grandmother, and various others in the close family that you're on your way, and they are thrilled (Your Papi cried before anyone else!) I asked them not to tell anyone else yet, just in case you can't stay to meet them. We went to mass for my Grandpa in the morning, and my prayers consisted mostly of "please please please please let Flash be born healthy and grow up healthy, and let me be around to witness it all. Please please please please please." After mass, and after everyone who had come over for coffee afterward had left, your Papi gave your Daddy and me a gift for you - a small baseball glove. Whether you turn out to be a boy or girl, you probably won't be able to get out of learning to play ball with him. (Which is good, because Daddy and I stink at sports.) It's your first gift and I put it in the same box as your dot picture, FET summary sheet, and the hospital bracelet from your transfer.

Your other grandparents (and aunts and uncles) will find out this weekend. We are all so excited to meet you.

Flash??

Dear Baby,

I think you're finally on the way! I've had several positive pregnancy tests between Wednesday and now, and I haven't gotten tired of watching that second pink line form or listening to the voicemails the IVF nurses have left me with my blood test results (high levels!) Your nickname is "Flash" because during the embryo transfer on the 21st (Presidents' Day) the ultrasound tech, Amy, pointed to the dot on the screen of where you were and told us that that little flash was you. It stuck. Inevitably, the name got me thinking about Flash Gordon and his silver underwear, so today I stopped at Webs for grey yarn and sparkly silver thread to make you some silver diaper covers.

A lot of my time has been spent fantasizing about how to tell the family that they're going to be grandparents/ great-aunts/ aunts/ great grandparents/ etc. We're getting together next weekend because there's a mass being said for Grandpa, and I think that's going to be the perfect time to announce it. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to do it.

I have no symptoms yet. I'm not sick in the mornings, no physical changes, and I think my tiredness today is more because I had a tough session at the gym yesterday than because of you. I'm almost looking forward to getting a least a few symptoms, because that'll make me believe a little more that you're actually there. I'm still nervous that you're going to go away, but until I get bad news, I've made up my mind to be happy and excited just as if I'd never heard any of the stories about miscarriage.

You are so wanted, so anticipated. I can't wait to see you on an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, and meet you sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving!!

Love you so much,
~Mom

Betas at 16, 25 three days apart

Is it you in there? Somebody started to put down roots, but I'm not sure if it's you. If it is - KEEP FIGHTING. Grow. Live. You are very, very much wanted. It's okay to let go if you have to, but we want you to stay if you can. With your family background (including my and your great-Nana's stubbornness) I know you're a fighter. You can make it. I'll do whatever you need me to do in order to give you a chance to grow and develop enough to be born healthy.

I love you.
~Mom

Starting up again

Oh, my baby. I'm hoping this will be the time. Your daddy and I have begun our IVF cycle and hopefully you'll be in your very beginning stages in the next couple of weeks, even though I may not know about your existence for certain for a little longer than that. I hope you're here for Thanksgiving. However, if you are, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. won't know - just me and Daddy. We want to keep the pressure off ourselves to know by a certain date, and to have a wonderful, sweet secret before everyone finds out.

I've started knitting baby socks. They may not be for you - especially if you decide to skip this (very expensive, complicated) cycle, but I feel like I want to do something to show faith and positive thinking. The shawl I started is too complicated to knit sometimes, like when I'm waiting for appointments, and I'm rather curious to see how many little baby socks I can make out of the skein of sock yarn I've chosen, and/or how many I can make by the time I get the IVF results.

I love you and hope you come to us soon,
Your Mom

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you a chance to come into being in awhile. We're having some issues with insurance, so we've had to wait to try for you again. But we should be able to give you a chance sometime in November or December, when insurance kicks in again and can approve our IVF cycle.

I'm missing you. A friend of ours announced that she's going to have a baby in March, and it made me sad because I want *you* so very much. I dreamed about you last night, that you and I were at the hospital, right after you were delivered and we were left alone. I put you to my breast to nurse you and you latched right on! Your Daddy wasn't there, which was weird, so after you went to sleep I tried to call him, but my phone batteries wouldn't stay in. I couldn't tell anyone you were here! The nurses were very nice though, and you had beautiful blue eyes and dark hair.

It makes me partly sad to think about the dream because I want you here still, when I'm awake, and I can't have you yet. But I'm trying to stay strong because one way or another, you're going to be here, someday.

I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms!

Love,
Mommy