Betas at 16, 25 three days apart

Is it you in there? Somebody started to put down roots, but I'm not sure if it's you. If it is - KEEP FIGHTING. Grow. Live. You are very, very much wanted. It's okay to let go if you have to, but we want you to stay if you can. With your family background (including my and your great-Nana's stubbornness) I know you're a fighter. You can make it. I'll do whatever you need me to do in order to give you a chance to grow and develop enough to be born healthy.

I love you.
~Mom

Starting up again

Oh, my baby. I'm hoping this will be the time. Your daddy and I have begun our IVF cycle and hopefully you'll be in your very beginning stages in the next couple of weeks, even though I may not know about your existence for certain for a little longer than that. I hope you're here for Thanksgiving. However, if you are, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. won't know - just me and Daddy. We want to keep the pressure off ourselves to know by a certain date, and to have a wonderful, sweet secret before everyone finds out.

I've started knitting baby socks. They may not be for you - especially if you decide to skip this (very expensive, complicated) cycle, but I feel like I want to do something to show faith and positive thinking. The shawl I started is too complicated to knit sometimes, like when I'm waiting for appointments, and I'm rather curious to see how many little baby socks I can make out of the skein of sock yarn I've chosen, and/or how many I can make by the time I get the IVF results.

I love you and hope you come to us soon,
Your Mom

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you a chance to come into being in awhile. We're having some issues with insurance, so we've had to wait to try for you again. But we should be able to give you a chance sometime in November or December, when insurance kicks in again and can approve our IVF cycle.

I'm missing you. A friend of ours announced that she's going to have a baby in March, and it made me sad because I want *you* so very much. I dreamed about you last night, that you and I were at the hospital, right after you were delivered and we were left alone. I put you to my breast to nurse you and you latched right on! Your Daddy wasn't there, which was weird, so after you went to sleep I tried to call him, but my phone batteries wouldn't stay in. I couldn't tell anyone you were here! The nurses were very nice though, and you had beautiful blue eyes and dark hair.

It makes me partly sad to think about the dream because I want you here still, when I'm awake, and I can't have you yet. But I'm trying to stay strong because one way or another, you're going to be here, someday.

I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms!

Love,
Mommy

Whatever

IVf cycle was canceled, IUI probably sometime around Saturday, give or take a day. At this point, kid, you're on your own. If you're going to come this month, great. But I've got too much to worry about what with starting a new job and D maybe getting a promotion and both of us maybe moving to worry about whether or not you're going to deign to show up this time. That's really all I have to say to or about you right now. We still want you, and want you ASAP, but at this point - whatever. I have other things to worry about besides when you're going to decide to join us.

Love you anyway,
Mom

Big guns

I am so excited, Baby.

We've gotten the go-ahead to start an IVF cycle. The timing is really good, since the major events will all be over by the time school starts again, so I won't miss any/ much work. The idea of having you with me at school this year makes me really happy. I've been dreaming about telling our family that I'm pregnant and all of them being just as excited to meet you as I am (well, almost as excited!) Every time I start a new cycle I figure out when I would know by and what family gathering is after that. This time it might be Labor Day, when my parents (your grandparents, but I don't know what they'll want you to call them yet) have a cookout. That may be too early, so I'm working on an alternate plan.

If this cycle doesn't work I won't be able to try to get you going again until around Christmas-time. Please come this cycle. Everyone really wants to meet you.

I love you,
~Mommy

Why?

Dear Baby,

I'm very sad that you're not here this month. I feel like I've been waiting for you forever and will never get to meet you. Is there anything else you need me to be doing? Am I not doing something you need to become you? Or is there something that I *am* doing that I should stop? Is the donor we have picked out not the one you want to be your donor?

Your mommy is not a patient person, especially when it comes to meeting you. Please let me know what you need so you can join our family.

Next chance is in about a month - you've got approximately 6 weeks to get ready for our last IUI.

I love you and want to meet you asap!!
Lots of love,
Mommy

Are you in there??

If so, please give me some sort of a sign, as I am not feeling that you're there at all right now. And these negative home pregnancy tests I keep getting aren't helping. So, I sort of doubt that you've started to form yet, but if you have, it would be nice to know. Today is day 12 past the IUI, so if you're there, you will definitely have implanted by tomorrow at the latest. I really wish I could get a blood test on a Saturday at the doctor's, but most likely they will make me wait. Your mommy does not like to wait longer than necessary. And we're skipping trying next month because Mommy does not want to do another (painful) IUI without Daddy there.

You get one more chance, in August, before we bring out the big guns. And those won't be coming in till December or so, as Mommy needs to go back to work.

This would have been a good cycle to come, Baby. We miss you.

Lots of love,
Mom