Starting up again

Oh, my baby. I'm hoping this will be the time. Your daddy and I have begun our IVF cycle and hopefully you'll be in your very beginning stages in the next couple of weeks, even though I may not know about your existence for certain for a little longer than that. I hope you're here for Thanksgiving. However, if you are, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. won't know - just me and Daddy. We want to keep the pressure off ourselves to know by a certain date, and to have a wonderful, sweet secret before everyone finds out.

I've started knitting baby socks. They may not be for you - especially if you decide to skip this (very expensive, complicated) cycle, but I feel like I want to do something to show faith and positive thinking. The shawl I started is too complicated to knit sometimes, like when I'm waiting for appointments, and I'm rather curious to see how many little baby socks I can make out of the skein of sock yarn I've chosen, and/or how many I can make by the time I get the IVF results.

I love you and hope you come to us soon,
Your Mom

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you a chance to come into being in awhile. We're having some issues with insurance, so we've had to wait to try for you again. But we should be able to give you a chance sometime in November or December, when insurance kicks in again and can approve our IVF cycle.

I'm missing you. A friend of ours announced that she's going to have a baby in March, and it made me sad because I want *you* so very much. I dreamed about you last night, that you and I were at the hospital, right after you were delivered and we were left alone. I put you to my breast to nurse you and you latched right on! Your Daddy wasn't there, which was weird, so after you went to sleep I tried to call him, but my phone batteries wouldn't stay in. I couldn't tell anyone you were here! The nurses were very nice though, and you had beautiful blue eyes and dark hair.

It makes me partly sad to think about the dream because I want you here still, when I'm awake, and I can't have you yet. But I'm trying to stay strong because one way or another, you're going to be here, someday.

I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms!

Love,
Mommy

Whatever

IVf cycle was canceled, IUI probably sometime around Saturday, give or take a day. At this point, kid, you're on your own. If you're going to come this month, great. But I've got too much to worry about what with starting a new job and D maybe getting a promotion and both of us maybe moving to worry about whether or not you're going to deign to show up this time. That's really all I have to say to or about you right now. We still want you, and want you ASAP, but at this point - whatever. I have other things to worry about besides when you're going to decide to join us.

Love you anyway,
Mom

Big guns

I am so excited, Baby.

We've gotten the go-ahead to start an IVF cycle. The timing is really good, since the major events will all be over by the time school starts again, so I won't miss any/ much work. The idea of having you with me at school this year makes me really happy. I've been dreaming about telling our family that I'm pregnant and all of them being just as excited to meet you as I am (well, almost as excited!) Every time I start a new cycle I figure out when I would know by and what family gathering is after that. This time it might be Labor Day, when my parents (your grandparents, but I don't know what they'll want you to call them yet) have a cookout. That may be too early, so I'm working on an alternate plan.

If this cycle doesn't work I won't be able to try to get you going again until around Christmas-time. Please come this cycle. Everyone really wants to meet you.

I love you,
~Mommy

Why?

Dear Baby,

I'm very sad that you're not here this month. I feel like I've been waiting for you forever and will never get to meet you. Is there anything else you need me to be doing? Am I not doing something you need to become you? Or is there something that I *am* doing that I should stop? Is the donor we have picked out not the one you want to be your donor?

Your mommy is not a patient person, especially when it comes to meeting you. Please let me know what you need so you can join our family.

Next chance is in about a month - you've got approximately 6 weeks to get ready for our last IUI.

I love you and want to meet you asap!!
Lots of love,
Mommy

Are you in there??

If so, please give me some sort of a sign, as I am not feeling that you're there at all right now. And these negative home pregnancy tests I keep getting aren't helping. So, I sort of doubt that you've started to form yet, but if you have, it would be nice to know. Today is day 12 past the IUI, so if you're there, you will definitely have implanted by tomorrow at the latest. I really wish I could get a blood test on a Saturday at the doctor's, but most likely they will make me wait. Your mommy does not like to wait longer than necessary. And we're skipping trying next month because Mommy does not want to do another (painful) IUI without Daddy there.

You get one more chance, in August, before we bring out the big guns. And those won't be coming in till December or so, as Mommy needs to go back to work.

This would have been a good cycle to come, Baby. We miss you.

Lots of love,
Mom

A day trip without you

Your daddy and I went on a day trip yesterday. I missed having you there. Getting out there was uneventful, and kinda of boring. If you'd been there we would have talked to you about what we saw - the trees, the signs, the towns we passed. We'd have sung songs and looked for out of state license plates.

We probably would have had a clearer destination in mind so we wouldn't spend an hour driving around looking for the best place to park to get to the beach - or maybe that part would have been the same. We drove aimlessly, in a really good way, exploring a wildlife refuge on an island between the marsh and the ocean. We walked down natural paths and on boardwalk paths through the marsh and woods. We sat on a bench in a "bird blind" (bird viewing area) and watched storks and seagulls glide over the grasses and water. We raced back to the car and your dad let me win. We both would have let you win if you'd been with us, and read the signs in the bird blind to you.

We climbed an observation tower and had lunch. Daddy would have shown you the beaver dam we saw and how to tell if the water was at high, half, or low tide. Our walk on the marsh boardwalk would have been slower, and we would probably have read through the trail guide and talked to you about what plants and animals we saw. And I would have had to wash both you and Daddy down for having been touched by poison ivy back at the car!

We would have parked in the park ranger's parking space to go to the beach earlier than we did, and I might have gone into the water with you, or watched while you and Daddy played in the ocean and made sand castles. I would have held your hand as we walked over the rocks and helped you try to make a cairn or a shelter from driftwood. There wouldn't have been time for me to do logic puzzles or knit, but I would have had so much more fun playing with you than doing any of those things.

You may have gotten tired and fallen apart in the car as we drove around the shore area and looked at houses. We may have stopped and eaten earlier if you'd wanted to. We may have gotten out and looked at the carnival we came across if you'd wanted to. As it was, we ended up strolling through a picturesque seaside area as shops were closing up and having really great, cheap food and watching a baseball game on a huge TV. You would have loved it, if you'd still been awake.

And even during our moon viewing, which was very peaceful and romantic with just the two of us, I couldn't help wondering how the scene would look if you were there. Would you be asleep in one of our arms, or in a stroller? Sitting between us and helping us come up with ideas of what the moon looked like as the clouds slid past it? Hopping around and having us chase you away from the dangerous rock slope?

You and I would both have fallen asleep on the way home - or maybe not. Daddy usually needs the windows open so the cool air keeps him alert. Maybe I would have driven (with the windows closed) so you two could sleep. When we got home, we would have carried you in and tucked you in to bed before we unpacked the bag and cooler and gotten ready for bed ourselves. And this morning, you and I might have made breakfast for Daddy, or started our house cleaning chores, or watched cartoons until Daddy got up.

I miss you and really want to take day trips with you when you get here. The sooner the better. :)
Love you,
Mommy

Another try

Today was the IUI, so hopefully you are getting your cells together right now and making the trip to go implant in a few days. I really hope you decide to show up this time because we miss having you here already. Your dad is going away for most of next month, so wouldn't it be nice for him to know about you before he goes? All the cramping and other physically painful stuff I'm going through is going to be worth it when I can finally meet you. I know you're going to make this family feel complete.
Please come soon.
Love,
Mom

You get one, *maybe* two more tries before they're bringing out the big guns

Okay, baby. They're talking about going to IVF in August, so if you're up for doing this without starting your life in a petri dish, I strongly suggest you get ready for fertilization in the next week or so. Thursday at the earliest, through the weekend or next next week. There may be one more chance after that before things get serious. Please consider the benefits of a) having this current donor be your biological father and b) not putting your mommy through surgery and daily injections. Because we'll have to find another donor and I'll have to take time off of a new job if we do IVF. It's not a pretty picture, so here's my written request to please show up before that happens. I know your job isn't to be convenient, but just think about it this one time.
Thanks sweetie.
Love,
Mom

You're not even conceived yet and I'm already worried about you!

Fast worker, kid. I've been on a rollercoaster of hope/ hopelessness/ more hope the past 36 hours, on your behalf. Do you exist? Do you not? Was there enough motile sperm to make you? The doctor's office called and recommended we switch donors next time. No breaking the news gently that this time is a bust, just blunt facts and recommendations without an attempt (that I can understand) to explain what's going on. However, I'm still waiting and hoping. Why? Because your Daddy rocks. He called the office (well, lab) back and got more information from a more helpful, sympathetic person. And that person said you've still got a chance. Let's hope you've got some of the guinea stubbornness in you from me and Nana and fight for your existence and implant. You can do this. I know it seems like a long journey, but you can do it.

I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Baby

The IUI was yesterday. I hope you are in the process of being created right this minute inside me. You are so incredibly wanted, and we've been waiting a long time for you. Both of us want you to join are family very soon! Please let this be the month you decide to start growing and can meet us in nine months.

Things are great without you, but they'll be even better once you're here. Your parents love each other very much and have a lot of fun together. We know that this is a time that you'll never really believe existed or be able to completely visualize (the time before you were born), but know somewhere in your unconsciousness that you've been thought of for years and have been part of the family for a long time, even though you're not here yet.

We already have names picked out. But we do want to meet you to make sure the name suits you, specifically, before we announce them, even to you. (Maybe when you're a little closer to meeting us I'll whisper them to you.)

I'm here. Your mom. Just waiting for you to decide to join us here on earth. I hope you're here soon, as there are so very many of us wanting to see you. My parents, and your dad's parents, and all of our families. You'll have three aunts and three uncles and TONS of honorary aunts and uncles and great-aunts and great-uncles. And two great-grandmothers. (But only one of those great-grandmothers will see you often - you're going to adore Nana. She's so eager to meet you!!) You'll be the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Oh, you are going to be so spoiled by them all!

Your dad is raring to go playing baby games and teaching you how to play soccer and baseball when you get older and sing you songs. I can't wait to sing and play pretend and blocks and do craft projects and read you every book I can get my hands on. I hope you'll like to read and sing as much as I do, and that you'll have your dad's blue eyes and sense of adventure.

I want you. I am waiting for you, and I love you so much already. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and tell you about our family and all my hopes and dreams for you. Since I can't hold you yet, I am writing you these letters to let you know how wanted you are, and to let you get a feel for us and your family before you get here.

I love you, baby.

Love,

Mommy